2000-05-30 - The Life and Character of "Mr Theysay"
Few and far between are those who have not heard of the world-renowned "Theysay!" His name is familiar with all men everywhere. The high and the low, rich and poor, bond and free, honored and despised, civilized and barbarian, Protestant and Catholic, all nations, kindred's, tribes, and tongues, have heard of Mr. Theysay.
His name is almost a household word. But who has ever given the world a history of this eminent personage? Numerous as biographers are, no one has ever written and published the life of Mr. Theysay. Pardon me if I undertake the task of writing a brief history of him.
His Parentage -- His father's name is slanderer; his mother's tattle. Of his genealogy nothing more is known. He was born in the town of evil report, in the kingdom of sin.
His Age -- It is not known in what precise age of the world Mr. Theysay was born. It is my opinion that he was born soon after Adam and Eve were expelled from the garden of Eden. If I am correct in this opinion, he must be very far advanced in life, and we should naturally expect to witness in him all the evidences of feeble old age, gray hairs, sunken eyes, and palsied limbs. But he is really as strong and active, as fresh and fair, and as hearty as he ever was. Remarkable old creature!
His Education -- Mr. Theysay's education is very limited. What knowledge he has obtained is principally from hearsay; hence he does not get any correct knowledge of anything. His deficient education has ever been a serious embarrassment to him; for he never dares to make a positive assertion, but guesses it is so, and so on.
His Personal Appearance -- I have spoken of him as being as strong and as active as he ever was. But who has ever seen Mr. Theysay? Have you? Has anyone? If anyone has, I know not who. But we know he exists, because everybody is talking about him, and I have come to the paradoxical conclusion that he exists and does not exist; is everywhere and nowhere; is responsible and irresponsible; a sort of "will-o'-the-wist, Jack-with-the-lantern" kind of being whose personal appearance can never be described.
Reader! Is Mr. Theysay in your family? Drive him from you. Harbor him not a moment. Listen not to his vile slanders. He will involve you in trouble, while he himself will escape.
Soli Deo Gloria,